Recycle Bin

Yesterday I sms my best friend from high school again. Feeling so damn
miserable last nite (and I think my family knew it). Nine pm, I really
felt I needed air... LOTS OF AIR!!; so I took the car keys, and drove
around for an hour. Just breathing, and singing loudly inside the
vehicle. I drove around near Citraland, Wiyung and so on... (I often
drive around whenever I feel 'bete' --> SPEEDING, of course!) Back
home after 10. Couldn't sleep, eventhough I knew I was supposed to
teach the next day. Well, I did give my
students a test today, coz by the end of this month they should
receive their mid-term report. Hmm, I really don't know about their
grade... my head is dizzy if I think about it. My teaching.contract
will end this year, and I want it to end as soon as possible. Not
that I hate teaching, or anything... but the students, the
environments, the fuckin' slow computers are just not supported me enough.
And if my contract end, I could possibly go wherever I want. I've got
people telling me to go outside Surabaya, or go abroad somewhere...
Darn! First, I was glad that they care about me, but lately I get
tired of hearing them. Even my mum kept telling me to get a new job...
What's wrong anyway with my current job? Is not good enough? Yeah, I
guess...
So, until how high is someone considered to be "useful" or "independent" enough?
I see my sis who has high salary, but still she doesn't feel enough.
human always wanting more and more... For me, I have my limit and I
know I need to move on next year... but I don't need everybody to keep
telling me what to do. One thing that you musn't do to a rebel : never
told them what to do. All my life, I often do the opposite things
just to rebel against my parents' will or to pissed them a little. It
is not nice, I know. I never said I am a nice sweet daughter anyway...

Hmm, my weekend was ordinary. Nothing special. Wentto shopping mall
with my friend, and then on Sunday canceled a plan to join a social
activity. Got stood up twice. Trying to smile and laugh naturally, but
it just won't come out. I hate the bittering me, I hate myself
today... I hate my office, I hate my existence, I hate my presence, I
hate being in this age. Age of uncertainty. Wanting to do something
better, bigger and more useful. Wanting to have a new circle of
friends (not that I don't like my friends now). Wanting to live
independent, travel somewhere far... Floating somewhere outta here...
Anyway... off I go... My office is loud with cheerful noises, as
usual, but now I don't intend to join at all...


2.15. trying to stay breathing...