How To Be Nice and Wise?

...how can you mend this broken man...

I can still feel myself tremble. I've never been like this since a loooong time... Last time I remember it was when I had a fight with my brother (didn't remember the setting, but I remember we were sitting face to face, talking loud but not shouting...), it was like... 2 years ago?

The words were like filling up my head with blood. Adrenaline pump. I was still able to control my feeling and *cynically laugh* said with high made-up cheer tone, "ok" (FYI, if I laugh out of nowhere there's gotta be something wrong). He kept on looking at his computer, and said silently but cold, "Seriously." I was saying "ok" seriously serious too, you know.

Tapi tau-tau *mungkin karena udah cape banget dan lagi sensitif juga* semua perasaan sakit hati itu muncul ke permukaan. Why this and that. And worst of all, is the tone of that calm voice... For me, it's like saying, "well...ok, I don't need you anymore now, so just get outta my sight." My ego raised up, thinking "F*ck, why can't I say that!" since actually he was treating like I've always been a pain on the ass that bring nothing but troubles into his life. That all this friendship stops whenever he wants to call it off.

Pada saat itu, diantara semua lagu rohani yang diputar disana, I flipped out. Aku menyesal. Menyesal berbuat itu karena itu di depan umum dan ada seseorang yang dikenal duduk di sebelah. Even walls have ears. Should've not done that. I know, cuz this trembling body tells me so.

Setelah itu aku menutup mulut sambil bertopang dagu dengan satu tangan. Diam beberapa saat, karena ngga mau ngomong lebih jauh yang bisa nyakitin. Hatimu ngga akan merasa lebih lega kok meskipun kamu berkata-kata jahat pada orang lain... Yang bakalan ada cuma penyesalan aja. I saw a picture of Jesus at the corner of the room.

Friends, I just wanna say that it is so hard to be wise . To be nice is even harder. Many times, I wanna be nice but I end up hurting myself. Sometimes, there is no win-win solution. The thing is, I know this guy is baaad for me... tapi tetep sayang. Dan perasaan itu yang membunuhku.