Kemarin setelah 2 weeks away akhirnya dateng juga ke LIFE group... Sampai di apartemen, berharap bertemu dengan sang tuan rumah yang hangat and ngobrol-ngobrol^^, tapi ternyata our sister and brother lagi ada business trip di belahan dunia laen. Agak kecewa sih, tapi gpplah...ketemu temen-temen LG lain yang dah lama ngga ketemu. Tapi dunno why, kemarin ketika berada di tengah-tengah mereka aku ngerasa ada yang aneh aja ama diri sendiri. Mereka semua masing-masing punya cerita untuk dishare, sementara aku ngerasa nothing special is going on with life. My only excitement is how to spend my weekends, which I spend either alone or with one-two friends at the most.
I feel I'm being more and more autistic everyday...
My housemate says she feels kinda the same. Well, it is not a good thing you know... detach from the society, building your own world, enjoying your solitairity too much, become less caring toward others...I hardly send any chit-chat sms to anybody right now. My regular friends who received routine text messages from me are just 5-6 people. Hardly sms my family either (only replying when being texted).
So yesterday we had this sharing session where everybody was given a chance to say something about theirselves. How things are going, what are the future plans, what support needed... I realized at the end of the day, that I didn't exactly tell anything about myself or let others know about my daily activites. I don't have exciting things to share!
All I have now is secrets... and more secrets..?
I come to a conclusion that all these should end. My life is not healthy, and I have becomed a weird being. The kind who look at the world with her perspective without even open up to others. I was born as a veeery quiet baby, my mom told, as I usually sat on a corner (doing something busily, and not interupting anybody)... I rarely cry, rarely scream for attention, and never let others found out about my dissapointments. That is also why time after time I've always rejected failures, and strived for success.
When I was in kindergarten, on my first day to school, I told my mom to go home and to not accompany me to the classroom. I wanted to do that by myself.
When I was in elementary school, I had this skin allergic disease (which is not contagious) that made me avoided by some friends. Had to skip sport subject for 6 years, too. This made me developed some kind of rejection-proof and a very independent attitude.
When I was in junior high, I didn't care about the boys. I was only interested in competitions and got elected to join in many fields of extra activities. My allergy was cured, but I still kept that lonesome attitude that protected me from being hurted (cuz I learnt that words are sharper than knife). Amazingly fell in luv with a very smart guy, who was a leader, a better student, a fellow musician, and a good Christian. Never tought would ever find one like him again :)
When I was in senior high, everything was better. I had more friends, and I started to develop a friendly attitude. I found my best friends, and I learned that friendship is the most precious thing in life. I am a loyalist since then.
Then college years juz go with the flow. That's how I become an uninnocent virgie... Hmmm, time flies.
Now I wanna keep in touch with all my good friends. I mean in a way that I would text them at least once a week juz to ask how they are doing. I wanna know if they are sick, they are in trouble, they are having a blast, etc... So, friends, pls forgive me for neglecting you... Pls remind me whenever I start to develop that "autistic behavior" yah :)
2 comments:
Jangan pake kata pengembangan penyakit autis deh. There's nothing wrong with your activities nor your cirlce of friends. Bercerita mengenai masa lalu juga bukan salah satu faktornya. I think it is in your soul krn from my point of you, everything about you is YOURself. You love being centre of attention, you live your live to the fullest and somehow...you seem to care less of your surroundings, I agree. Often you feel that your problems are much bigger than anybody else's. So I disagree if you have no story to share about yourself maybe its a sign that you need to develop a sense of affection and attentions to others instead of thinking that the whole world is just you. My personal opinion, once again Shir. But u gotta realize you're one unique individual and u got plenty of stories to share.
Yup, that's my issue... I have so little empathy toward others. Masa lalu itu penting, karena dari kecil udah mulai develop that attitude karena merasa ga memperoleh bantuan dari siapapun, so I needed to survived and took care of myself. My mum even once tied a ribbon with bell on my clothes, jus so she knows where I would go around somewhere (cuz I made no sound). About being the centre of attention, I kinda disagree lho... I always enjoy become "the insider" that works behind the screen, but knowing everything and being excepted. For me, knowing is enough. I like the idea of knowing a lot of things:)
And if you juz noticed, I didn't say I had no thrill in life, I just can't share them.
"All I have now is secrets... and more secrets."
Thx for ur comment, and pls put down ur name dunk next time...
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