I Used To Cry...

It is juz one period in life... about something I've called "fairytale".

It was the lonely days that brought me to that stage. Then I prayed. Few weeks right after that constant prayers, one came along. We met, we chatted, we felt clicked (at least I thought so).

One message became continous sms. One pick up became regular drives. One minute conversation became all-nite activities.

It was just a rebound thing. It wasn't even sweet. I should've known the intention.

It's almost a year now. And as much as I miss him, I am still hurt. Nobody, I said nobody, could erase it from my head. All those things, all those times...

I consider it as useless. A total waste of my time, my spirit, my little piece of fragile heart.

I think I can never trust or pour out my heart like that to a guy... Don't want to...

If everyone is telling me that I'm over react... well, they don't know sh*t. Never-never- neverr judge a book by its cover. He is nothing like he was when we first met. But, yes, I thank God that I don't have to be trapped with him even longer. Jesus loves me, he showed me my wrong doings, and he comforts me whenever I felt so down.

When I feel low... I just don't wanna see anybody. I feel that I don't need anybody. I'm selfish and ignorant, yes, but I would never do such thing to hurt anyone. It hurts like hell (my pastor said, "well, you don't know how hell feels like"... true^^). I'm juz being a plain melancholist at this stage.

It still hurt. I'm not the type of woman who would pursue a man's heart by chasing after him, or terrorizing or anything... I'm only responded when I received. But at nights, I found myself waiting for sms. It's foolish I know, but he's been a part of my life for months. I don't wait for any of his now, but that's becuz I forced myself to GET UP and GO! I hang around with good friends, have lots of activities, forget my pain by laugh more at life. Whenever I'm restless at nite, I always play my DVDs (tons of 'em) and stay awake 'till the next day.

It's hard. Especially when you don't know what is it that he wants from you. I don't want anything, but it seems like he wants me to be "normal". To act "as normal as we used to" :) You know, says hi, hello, how are you, good luck, take care, have a great day, God bless you, and everythin'... Well, I cannot. The fact is, he broke my heart, leaving unsolved business between us, and I juz don't wanna see him moving on happily with any other person (without even a slice of guilty feeling!)

Me, personally think... God will take care of him. It's not gonna be easy to have a relationship with someone who has personal issues. Phew, it would be an abusive relationship. Honestly? I hope his relationship with whoever this new girl doesn't work out (fyi, I think she's a nice lady and a smart one- hopefully smart enough yaa!), so that she'll be free and he would learn to have more RESPECT for women. But I'm not gonna be the talker, I never will. I believe God is justice, and love never fails.

When I decided to NOT talk to him, he got upset. You wouldn't like him when he's upset. So, tomorrow I will smile to him and pat his shoulder like what I would do to a 5-year-old boy.

Funny, huh? Few days ago I went out with other guy, and I mistakenly called that other person with 'his' name. My friend was just pretend not to hear/ ask about it... Well, my friend is a true gentleman. That what a gentleman does: not embarrass a lady.

Truly it is not my fault that I still __% love 'him' somehow, but in time my concious and my heart will tell me when they move to a new residence. Soon, I pray.