Whatever Makes Me Happy

song: Avril Lavigne- "I'm with you"
mood: drifting away
health: migraine attack

The past several weeks had been hell for me... If last weekend, my partner was in his worst spirit...this week I am the one who has crushed spirit. Everything went wrong, everything felt useless, everything was just useless... You know I would die the minute I become a useless being OR the minute I'm living for useless things.

Then I remember that one guy that I used to date, who got upset whenever I canceled our dinner plan, or chose to stay in the office to work overtime rather than spend the night to have quality time together. In short, I don't have life anymore.

I forget how to have fun. I forget how to flirt. I forget how to enjoy observing small things like I used to. The last time I remember "having fun" was when I visited my friends in Bali. That was one week of relaxation that had become a fresh air in the middle of my tiny narrow selfish world called advertising industry.

So, how long can it last? How long can I survive? I don't like this feeling of neglecting all other things in my life. I start to neglect my family/ friends' important dates, my fellowships, my choir family, my closest communities which actually support me the most all of this time...

First it was a challenge. Then it became a phase. Before I knew it, it becomes habit. Bad bad habit.

This loner soul has become more and more detached from the reality.

Well, reality sucks, but I need to live it to the fullest.