Mood: mixed
Listening to: "When She Loved Me"- Sarah McLachlan
This song reminds me of something. I have a friend. We were college friends from way back when, but not really knew each other well. When I moved to Jakarta four and a half years ago, she helped me out by accompanying me looking for a place to stay. We became housemate since then, even moved together in two different places (and two different offices, too). I had great times with her, and enjoy her presence as it was. We became close friends. Well, that was what I thought... That was everyone thought.
I have always encouraged her, listened to her, thought of her whenever I went home and sometimes brought home something for her. When I was dating, breaking up, dating again she was always being all ears and it helped me a lot. I never expect to become housemate forever, of course, but I always informed her if I have useful news, or tell her information about a promising place nearer to the office. She said she doesn't have enough budget yet (which implied that she wanna stay), while I was so passionately kept looking a new place to stay for myself...
One fine day, she decided to move out. She put all my belongings that she once borrowed, and just packed all her things. I was surprised, but wasn't mad. I asked her why, and I could not forget what she said (and how cold she said it),
"Oh yea, I'm gonna move out by the end of this month. I didn't tell you, cuz I don't want you to ask questions."
Speechless.
So she moved. I didn't offer help, cuz I kinda thought she didn't want me to. I did blame myself and questioning what I did wrong. She wrote to me back and said that she felt she couldn't be my close friend. She felt suffocated. She felt that somehow I made her pissed for no reasons every night. She felt that we are two different people (doh!).
I cannot say it didn't hurt. It's like caring for someone who doesn't care about you or even think that you are obnoxious. What a stupid thing to say to someone when you still wanna be friends with her. Even if she didn't tell me that or move away, I would still have moved out to a different place the next month (and NOT to her dorm, cuz her place suck and my place now is way bigger, cheaper, and BETTER). Did she think I wanna live with her or follow her or something? Wow. And we would probably still be nice friends even not as close as before. And I would still cherish her.
But now?
All I can think is how I've been wasting 4 years in something I called "friendship". For me, it was goodbye.
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4 comments:
She believes that the concept of self-sacrifice is no longer a significant part of our modern cultural makeup and is often seen as weakness, not strength. More and more people are evaluating their relationships in terms of cost-benefit analysis and weighing friendship in light of investment and return.
Didier
ini cewek yg tinggal di sebelah kamarmu itu ya? payah emang orang2 kita ini... kalo ada masalah atau ga sreg ga langsung ngomong. dipendam2 terus akhirnya pas ga kuat lagi, trus tindakannya malah serba extreme. i think it was not really cool that she said (not even face to face but instead writing it to you) these awful reasons why she didn't want to be with you without at least once hinting that she wasn't feeling comfortable before of your presence. i think it was unfair.
but at the same time... you showed some immaturity when saying that you wouldn't move to her dorm because it sucked and yours was much better. lol.
so sorry for your loss of friendship. but maybe it's better this way, don't you think? at least you know she's not a friend to be real friends with.
yea, im sorry too... thanks, La. anyways, of cuz i didnt tell her than my place is better than hers...lol... i'm just saying it (out loud) here... :D
yea, im sorry too... thanks, La. anyways, of cuz i didnt tell her than my place is better than hers...lol... i'm just saying it (out loud) here... :D
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