How can I be smiling like before
When maybe you don't love me anymore
Say it isn't so
Tell me you're not leaving
Say you change your mind
That i am only dreaming
This is not goodbye
This is starting over
If you want to know, I don't want to let go...
Quick recap of the week: Catching up with old best friends, Santy and Lydia. Staying over at Lydia's place, having dinner, go to cafes, watched VCDs together, talking untill late at nite... Had 2 ministries all in one day. Felt a bit tired coz lack of preparation (forgive me God). Thanks God I could handle the children at Sunday School and played organ well at the evening service. Fiuuh... Still have this sorethroat and cough... Thinking about someone who is not worth to thinked about. Got the news saying that my friend's mother is hospitalized coz of stroke. Starting to feel that life is too short... Wanna live life to the fullest...
Hhh, mood swing again. Can't help it. One minute I feel alright, one minute later I feel the whole world is against me. I don't know where I get this "syndrome" but it's really uncomfortable. Two days ago I went to a book store in Supermal by myself (since my mum asked me to bought some eggs for her), and found out that there are a lot... I mind A LOT (!!!) of new authors in this country. And there are a lot of new publishers also! Damn! Suddenly I was like hit by a reality... that I haven't became a real author (since I haven't published one single book of my own. Duh!), and for all 22 years of my life I have done nothing but dreaming of becoming an author... Journalism has always been a part of me, I kept the fire all these time in my soul but I'd never really intend to make my dream come true! I've done nothing but dreaming... Such a coward dreamer I am.
You know, writing is always a hobby and a fun thing to do for me. I started to wrote since was 9 years old. Nine years old! Can you believe that a child at that age had already had tons of diaries and story books written by herself? That's me. I have always been a mature child who seemed to know many things ahead of my other friends. I learnt how to read fast enough and able to memorize certain things and visualized details vividly in my head (so obvious that dislexia wasn't in my dictionary at all). I guess that is because my parents never forbidden me to read, write, draw or do any actions harshly. I was a rebelious if I think of it again... My father often called me "troublemaker" in past (coz in fact, I did make troubles a lot:p) When I discovered the first blood on my panty (I think it happened when I was on 6th grade of Elementary), I had already knew that it was my period. Coz my mum had educated me well before (my mother is a former nurse) and gave me some books about the symptoms... So I just walked to my mother's room and asked for a pantyshield. Next thing happened was my mother's voice sorounded the house telling everyone that her last daughter had had her first cycle *embarassed* Fiuhh... so, yea, that's just an example of how mature I was (but now... I think I'm becoming more childish?)
In my school years, I often became a teacher's favourite. One of my elementary teacher, Mrs. Rini (who once made me her favourite), met my mom when they were buying rujak at a same place lately, and she still remembers me and my mother... She asked my mom how I am doing now... Wow! What a memory! Wo hen gan tung... Hmm, anyways, I got my first writing publication in a local newpaper when I was 9. After that I kept on writing, writing and writing every single nite and my parents know well how I love writing. Hardly no one ever doubt about my writing skill, even two of my Bahasa Indonesia teachers in junior high and senior high ever commended my skill as "not a high school level" (I think that maybe over praise but somehow I know that writing was never a problem to me, coz I enjoy it sooo much). I met one of those two teachers, Mr. Adi, in my University Final Project Exhibition, and he still remembered me vividly. I got my writings published few times in teenage magazines, newspaper and won a writing contest in my last years as high school student. Gosh, where are all those years? Where are all those passions and flowing ideas that came every single nite? Where are all those promise-to-myself things of becoming a young writer before I was 17 and proof of making better writings than Hilman or Zara Zettira? Where?!! Where is that snob arrogant and so confident self?! Hey, come out...come out... wherever you are. Comeback meee!!
I just wish time stood still.
I just wish I can become the long lost forgotten "me" again.
God, who am I? Why can't I be someone I always wanted to be? I remember couple years ago a publisher offered me a chance to published my book... but I shamely turned it down. Becoz I was too damn busy studying and working part time at that time. But now? What stop me now? I had graduated from University. I had become a full time worker. I had no boundaries. I shall do anything to achieve the highest mountain I could get. But do I have the courage?
Or maybe I should just quit working and just write, write, and write... to fulfill my dream of becoming a real writer. Maybe... Hmm, what do u guys think? Tell me what do think, pleasee... Any of you, even if you don't really know me personally. I just wanna know your opinion.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother what will I be
Will I be rich, will I be pretty
Guess what she said to me?
Qui sera sera...
Whatever will be will be
The future is not ours to see
Qui sera sera...
-Shirley. A long lost 1/2 woman-
11 comments:
Well you've written this much on your blog (and continously), so why don't you start a real writing now for a publishing purpose? That's better than whining now that you haven't come across with realizing your dreams. Start to make it happen. You may get a chance and a lot more of it as soon as you improve and actualize your writing.
Do it!
Thanks. I am actually compiling ideas now and still looking for a decent and appropriate publisher that fits my writing skill. Thank you, Carla:)
'I have always been a mature child who seemed to know many things ahead of my other friends';'Hardly no one ever doubt about my writing skill' wooooo...do i smell cockyness in the air instead of confidence??WRITE!do it for your own satisfaction, grab your opportunity and leave the judgments to others. They'll tell you later about your talent as a writer. Keep writing, keep learning, keep reading, keep asking opinions and stay HUMBLE. Im sure those who know you are already aware of how special you are, you dont need to remind them of it, or even worse, comparing yourself with others. All 9 years old are special in many ways regardless whether they can produce writings or not. Free your mind, learn how other writers, readers, analysts, all ppl from different backgrounds view objects in their lives. Go away snob arrogant, welcome brand new confidence. Learn learn and learn. You may wanna read Tracy Chevalier's. i personally think she has a very sophisticated writing style.
Thank you for the comment and encouragement. Yep, I'm just pointing out that even when you were a quite special superior individual when you WERE young, you can END UP AS NOBODY! totally none. ZERO. a big coward grown up. And guess I don't want to be that kind of person, or more like: I'M SCARED OF BECOMING THAT GROWN UP! I don't feel cocky at all now, on the contrary... I feel so small, effortless and wasting my writing talent:_( I'll find out about the writer. Thx again.
Practice Makes Perfect! Don't underestimate your abilities, yet don't get lifted too high from praises. Get out of the box and learn from everything around you...I guess that's a few that I can share with you :)
9 years old? Around that age, I recalled I could finish all the 8 stages of Super Mario Bross when some older boys couldn't even passed the first stage. I shouted "Yess!!!" I recalled a friend of mine could speak Chinese language as fluently as my grandma. She said, "Ni hao ma?" and I said "Huh???". I also recalled another friend could beat my physics teacher in a chess game and he laughed in satisfaction. But mario, chinese, and chess didn't make you mature or superior to others. Okay, you do certain things better than others. But others also do other things much much better than you will ever do. When you were a child then you were a child. If somebody ever thought that he'd been reached maturity and superior in his childhood life, personally I think he is childish. He doesn't even realize that there will always be a higher mountain. How can he claim that he was mature. Come on, leave your small box where you've been living in and see the whole world.
Logically, if you already reached your maturity on your childhood, then at this age, you may already be a "grannie". Well, at least you told us so that you were better in the old days. So how can a grannie become productive?
Living in a small box? Hmm, maybe. Few years ago I was chicken out when a publisher offered me to publish my work and asked for my synopsis etc. Too chicken and too busy (coz I remember vividly how people reacted when my weird fiction story was published in a local newspaper. They were like judging my character through my writing. Why can't they understand that it is just a fiction, an imagination, a literature work!) So, maybe if I do publish my work, I'll use a nick name instead... Wish me luck guys! Vei, Denni, thx for da comments.
If some people did think that you were like the character you created but you weren't, honestly it means that you might be a good writer. Too bad I never have the chance to read your writing nor I like reading books except comics :P.
Oups, I forget this. I don't recall any good author ever used nickname in their masterpieces.
Hahaha... u really think so? Then allow me be the first! (think of using nick name "coolz" instead -lol-)
Oh, if you wanna know some of my stories, please go to:
http://www.geocities.com/allcoolstory/cerpen1-ghost.htm
http://www.geocities.com/allcoolstory/cerpen7-letter.htm
and search for a story called "Tidak Ada yang Salah" somewhere in my blog:)
Any comments and critics are openly waited.
It's on my July archive:
http://shirleycoolz.blogspot.com/2004_07_01_shirleycoolz_archive.html
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