cengeng

One of ma neighbor in office, the one that used to chat by Mac Pop Up, and used to play me James Blunt's song, You're Beautiful, has resigned now. Sad. He used to sit in front of me; I can always peek him through my cubical and ask him, "tadi lunch apa, mas?"

Sad. Lagi-lagi itu menyergap. Yup, the greatest fear of all. I suddenly think what if... what if it's someone else? For instance my friends in choir team, or my leaders, when someday they decide to leave from Indonesia... I can't imagine how sad that will be :(

Lately, I easily burst my tears out. I don't know why, maybe I've became more open than I used to, or maybe I become more vulnerable... frail?

Let's see... Sometimes I cried during singing on the platform... That's if I heard someone singing so passionate to God, or the words just hit me hard. One of the song I am "weak" at, is "Find rest my soul... in Christ alone... " I also cried at Good Friday, during the Communion. I realised that I have that one sin I used to keep in my heart and head, and I want God to restore me. I cried; I looked weak. The next (that was a bit embarrassing), I cried while I was talking heart to heart with my head. It was in a studio, during working the post production for TVC. Luckily, he was very understanding and didn't say a word even 'till now. I cried coz I felt a heavy burden on my back and I felt that I couldn't put up with them any longer (all those never ending revisions and everlasting new daily brief). Last, I cried at Selina's funeral. Well, I thought I'd be ok and sing just fine. But when Pt. Dave started to preached and said, "I still remember how she used to be in the music team family, how all of them used to hang out with my wife at our house. Laughing, eating, laughing, and then eating again..." I just remember her modest smile.

Well, I know I am weak. I am cengeng. If I am mad at something, I cry. I hardly can stand of being explode and mad without crying. I dunno why. That's why I don't like to get mad. When I get mad, all my body is tremble, and words are hardly come out my mouth. It's just me...

Last Sunday, I had a conversation about a friend inside the community. I feel a bit weird talking about the person, but I juz feel helpless about her. It's like she's pushing without any reasons, and there's nothing I could say or do to make her feels secure. She has made me down also by saying she knows better becoz she is older. Why is Indonesian often judge people according to age? It is soo unfair. Hhh, I hope wiser people (read: older) can really speak deep heart to heart with her, and resolves the issues. About the fling-fling-thing with that one particular guy... well, it's her problem. Competition is always become more of women's problem than men's. What I don't understand is, why is it always about him? I wish he's not so popular amongst women. Susah juga jadi partnernya, siapapun dia. I kinda have it before I found out about the FC of him, but I'm not interested if I have to compete ugly. It's not only about love anymore, and it's definitely not reflecting Christ (Christian= reflecting Christ/ Chris alike) . But, when I think of it again, I don't wanna loose...him. I mean, I'm totaaally ok if I don't have him, but I don't want him go away. I mean he may marry someone else in the end, or having a permanent girl friend, but if he's leaving for good... to another city, another country... it'll break my heart... fosho' :'(

*being cengeng again at the end*